Poseidon The Mighty God of The Ocean Told by Rumplestiltskin
Ah, Poseidon. The Big Guy of the sea. The one who thinks he’s so cool just because he’s got a trident and a few watery realms to his name. Let me break it down for you, darling. Poseidon, the mighty god of the ocean, struts around as if he's the king of everything water-related. But let’s be real here—his entire vibe? Very much “drowned in daddy issues.” Seriously. I mean, he’s one of the Big Three—along with Zeus and Hades—but do you ever hear about him causing any real chaos? No. He just waves his trident around and grumbles about things not going his way. If I were him, I'd be questioning my life choices. But hey, I’m not a god, so what do I know?
Let’s start with his relationship status. Ahem, Poseidon, mister "I can have any woman I want, but I’m just going to cause chaos with them." What a charmer. We’re talking about tens of thousands of affairs, misunderstandings, and love affairs with mortals and goddesses alike. Not to mention the whole underwater thing—he has this weird obsession with mermaids, not the ones from fairy tales, mind you. No, no. He takes the human women, drowns them in the ocean, and then "blesses" them with fish tails. Yeah, so romantic. And let’s not forget the lovely Medusa, huh? Poseidon sees her, thinks “Hey, she’s cute," and BAM—he’s in Athena’s temple, getting freaky with her.
Then, of course, comes Athena, stomping in like someone with absolutely no sense of boundaries, cursing poor Medusa for—well, being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But Poseidon? Nothing happens to him, just another day of playing god, am I right? He couldn’t be bothered to clean up his own mess. Classic.
And don’t even get me started on his lovely "home" under the sea. I mean, Poseidon’s palace is supposed to be all majestic and powerful. It’s supposed to be like the Shangri-La of the ocean. But it’s also the most dramatic, stormy place, where everyone’s just waiting for Poseidon to throw a tantrum every other week. Because what’s more divine than a sulking sea god punishing sailors with hurricanes, just because he didn’t get the proper offering or the right kind of fish for lunch?
Oh, and let’s talk about his so-called “power.” Sure, the ocean’s big, and I’ll give him credit for being able to command a few waves, but, darling, if I had his level of power, I’d be doing something a little more impressive. Like, I don’t know, making it rain gold or summoning an army of angry sharks to fight my enemies. But no—Poseidon just makes a giant wave and calls it a day. Talk about underwhelming.
And let’s talk about how he’s always trying to act like he’s better than Hades and Zeus. Sure, Zeus gets the whole "ruler of the sky" thing, but Poseidon just has water and fish, which, let’s face it, is kind of the least glamorous of the three. I mean, would you really want to hang out with someone who lives in the ocean, full of squid, sharks, and things that would eat you alive? Yeah, didn’t think so.
So, my dear mortals, next time you see Poseidon? Just remember: He might be the god of the sea, but he’s definitely not the god of good decisions or impressive power. He’s just a moody, sulky man with a big trident and a water complex and a little salty, wouldn’t you say?
