Snow White: The Apple Faced Drama Queen
Ah, yes, Snow White! The fairest of them all—or at least that’s what her mirror-loving stepmother thought before she decided to go full poisoner on her. Let’s rip into this one, shall we?
First off, Snow, sweetheart, who told you to trust random strangers handing out produce? A mysterious old crone offers you an apple, and you’re like, "Sure, sounds legit"? What happened to stranger danger? Even woodland squirrels know better than to accept snacks from shady strangers.
And don’t even get me started on the dwarves! Seven grown men living in a cottage, mining for shiny rocks, and they’re all duped by a girl who sleeps through literally everything. They don’t even notice she’s half-dead in the corner until they find her drooling on the poisoned apple. Oh, and speaking of genius solutions—their big idea was to stick her in a glass coffin. “Let’s display her like an art exhibit,” they said. “Maybe someone will kiss her.” Guys, ever heard of CPR?
Then there’s the prince. This guy takes one look at Snow's snoozing self and goes, “Yes, I’ll kiss the unconscious girl in the fancy coffin.” Real charming, buddy. Did anyone stop to check his motives? Because this is giving me major “creepy stalker vibes.” And the kiss—poof!—Snow wakes up and decides, "Yup, he’s the one." Because nothing says true love like resuscitation via unsolicited lip-lock.
And the stepmother? Let’s talk about her for a second. She’s out here hiring hitmen, using cursed fruit, and dabbling in black magic, all to be the prettiest lady in the kingdom. Lady, if you’d spent half that energy on skincare and therapy, you’d probably have the glow-up of the century. Instead, you end up dancing to your death in hot iron shoes. Karma’s got style.
➡ The Takeaway
Moral of the story: don’t trust strangers, don’t live with seven grown men without asking questions, and maybe don’t fall for the first guy who kisses you in a coffin. Snow White’s tale is a masterclass in bad decision-making, but hey, it’s entertaining.
Oh no, wait—someone stop her! Snow White just barged into the studio with her enchanted forest squad! Rumple better hide his spinning wheel because this one looks ready to throw hands. Stay tuned for her version—because apparently, we’ve got a fractured fairytale to fix!
Snow White: The DayWalker Witch (She Insists, Okay?)
Oh, great. Rumplestiltskin’s at it again. Sitting in his little studio, weaving lies like some over-caffeinated spider. Let me clear this up once and for all because the man is incorrigible.
First off, I am NOT the fairy-tale princess you think you know. Those “seven dwarves” Rumple keeps yammering on about? Total fiction. When I fled my psychotic stepmother, I didn’t end up with a bunch of miners. Nope. I found the DayWalkers—a group of immortal warriors who protect the realm and don’t take nonsense from anyone. They’re the ones who took me in, taught me how to fight, and showed me what real power looks like.
Now let’s address the elephant—or should I say apple—in the room. Yes, I got tricked. Yes, I ate the poison apple. And yes, it knocked me out cold. But when my DayWalker family came back and found me, they didn’t panic. Well, except Lysian. He’s the one I fell in love with—and the one who saved me.
No “true love’s kiss” nonsense here. Lysian gave me the sacred elixir to stop the poison from turning me into a NightStalker. And guess what? It worked—but with a little side effect. I didn’t just survive. I transformed into an even stronger, more powerful DayWalker than others. My hair turned white, streak by streak, until now it’s this glorious cascade of snowy brilliance. (It’s a look, and I own it.)
Now, about the “witch” thing. I am a witch, thank you very much. I’ve been saying it for years, but these DayWalkers won’t stop laughing about it. They’re like, “Snow, witches have actual spellbooks. Witches don’t drink blood.” Blah blah blah. Details! Just because I haven’t set anything on fire—yet—doesn’t mean I’m not magical. Lysian thinks it’s adorable, which is infuriating but also why I love him.
Anyway, these days, I live in the Red City, in 4EverMore with my DayWalker Watchman by my side, protecting the realm and looking fabulous while doing it. If Rumple thinks he can keep dragging my name through the mud, he’s got another thing coming.
Snow storms out of the Immortal Gazette studio.
➡ The Takeaway
Forget the fairy tale. Snow White’s no helpless princess. She’s an immortal DayWalker who fights off NightStalkers, protects the realm, and still finds time to argue about being a witch. Moral of the story? Never underestimate a woman with a poisoned apple past and a powerful elixir future.
Oh no—wait, here we go again!
Someone stop her!
Snow stormed back into the Immortal Gazette studios.
She’s got Rumple pinned against the wall, white hair blazing, muttering about “casting a spell” to turn him into a toad. Rumple’s stammering, Lysian’s outside smirking, and the DayWalkers? They’re taking bets and laughing.
Lesson learned: don’t mess with Snow White, self-proclaimed witch and DayWalker extraordinaire!
A Fractured Fairytale Brought to You by 4EverMore and Bloodthorn Publishing And
The Immortal Gazette
These aren't your typical modern day fairytale stories. Our fractured fairy tale stories are created and Brought to you by The World of 4EverMore and Bloodthorn Publishing, where stories, tales and myths are reimagined, rewritten, and broken into pieces, we offer you a world where magic isn’t always pretty and endings aren’t always sweet.
