King Arthur: The Legend of the Overhyped Sword Juggler
Story told by RUMPLESTILSKIN
Ah, King Arthur—the poster boy for chivalry, destiny, and questionable leadership choices. Let’s slice through the romanticized fluff and get to the core of this medieval soap opera, shall we? Spoiler: it’s less "noble knight" and more "royal drama fest."
First off, Arthur wasn’t even supposed to be king. He was the medieval version of the kid nobody invited to the royal party, until he miraculously pulled Excalibur out of a stone. Or was it handed to him by some sketchy Lady of the Lake? Depends on which version you read, but either way, Arthur’s big claim to fame is sword tricks.
Now, let’s talk about Camelot, his shiny kingdom. Sounds perfect, right? Wrong. The place was crawling with backstabbers, adulterers, and knights with more loyalty to their own egos than to their king. Take Lancelot, for example—Arthur’s bestie who couldn’t keep his hands off Queen Guinevere. Talk about breaking the bro code. And what did Arthur do? Nothing! He just let the love triangle fester until it exploded into a full-blown civil war. Bravo, Your Majesty.
Speaking of questionable choices, Arthur had Merlin, the ultimate wizard and walking deus ex machina, as his advisor. Did Arthur ever actually listen to him? Of course not. Merlin probably spent most of his time muttering, “I told you so,” while facepalming.
And then there’s Mordred, Arthur’s illegitimate son/nephew (ew) who ultimately brought about his downfall. Yes, the man couldn’t even keep his family tree from turning into a tangled mess. Mordred and Arthur’s final showdown at the Battle of Camlann was a bloodbath of epic proportions, with both of them fatally wounding each other.
Excalibur? Tossed back into the lake. Camelot? In ruins. Arthur? Carted off to Avalon for a nap he’s apparently still taking. The legend ends with the promise of his return, but honestly, who’s waiting for this guy to come back?
➡ The Takeaway
King Arthur: proof that being a chosen one doesn’t mean you’re good at your job. His tale is a cocktail of betrayal, bad decisions, and an overreliance on shiny swords and shady lakes. Want real leadership advice? Don’t take it from a guy who let his kingdom collapse because he couldn’t confront his cheating wife and her lover.
Stay tuned to the Immortal Gazette—next, we dive into Jörmungandr, the world serpent with serious boundary issues. Let the ripping continue!
