Oh, darling, sit yourself down and let old Rumplestiltskin spin you a tale. No, not gold this time—though, if you have a firstborn lying around, we can talk. This is about Redbad, the Frisian king who took sass, stubbornness, and defiance to legendary heights. If you don’t know him yet, buckle up, buttercup, because this story has more twists and drama than a cursed fairy tale ball.
The Epic and Utterly Chaotic Story of King Redbad Retold By Rumplestiltskin
Once upon a time (around the 7th or 8th century, if we’re being precise), there was a region called Frisia. Think modern-day Netherlands but with less tulips and more chaos. And ruling over this watery, wind-swept land was Redbad, a man who wasn’t just a king—he was a force of nature. Tall, proud, and pagan to his very core, Redbad wasn’t here for your Christian missionary sales pitch.
Now, at this time, the Franks—a neighboring empire led by the sort of people who thought conquering was a personality trait—were on a holy mission. They weren’t satisfied with just expanding their borders. Oh no, they wanted to expand their religion too. Enter Christianity, stage right, with its priests and missionaries waving crosses and muttering prayers. For the Franks, converting the “heathens” of Frisia was as much a conquest as claiming their land.
But Redbad? Redbad wasn’t having it.
The Baptism Debacle
Here’s where things get spicy. At some point in his reign, the Franks got the upper hand, forcing Redbad to either submit to their religion or face annihilation. Redbad, pragmatic in his own chaotic way, agreed to baptism. Yes, our boy was about to go Christian.
Picture it: a grand ceremony, priests chanting, Frankish nobles smirking, and Redbad standing ankle-deep in the baptismal waters. But just as the priest raised his hand to bless him, Redbad froze. His sharp mind was churning, and he asked, loud enough for the crowd to hear:
"Wait. If I convert, will I be reunited with my ancestors in the afterlife?"
The priest, bless his heart, replied, “No, your ancestors are in hell, for they were not Christians.”
Cue the record scratch.
Redbad stepped out of the water, shook his head, and declared something to the effect of, “Then I’d rather spend eternity in hell with my people than in heaven with strangers.” And just like that, he yeeted Christianity out of his life and became a legend.
The War of Defiance
Redbad didn’t just stop at theological mic drops. The Franks, furious at his rebellion, tried to crush him militarily. They thought they could overwhelm the Frisian king with sheer force, but they underestimated his grit. Redbad rallied his people, forged alliances, and waged a brutal guerrilla war against his Frankish foes.
The battles were messy, bloody, and chaotic. Redbad was the kind of king who would ride into the fray, sword swinging, hair flying, and insults hurled at his enemies. His defiance became a symbol of Frisian resistance, and his people rallied behind him with a fervor that even the Franks couldn’t extinguish.
The Legend Lives On
Eventually, time caught up with Redbad, as it does with all mortal kings. He passed away, still pagan, still proud, and still defiant to the end. But his story didn’t fade. In Frisia, Redbad became a folk hero, a symbol of independence, and a reminder that sometimes, it’s better to stand with your beliefs than bow to pressure.
Redbad is often referred to as "The Pagan King" due to his staunch refusal to convert to Christianity, even under immense pressure from the Frankish Empire. His defiance made him a symbol of pagan resistance and cultural pride, standing firmly for his beliefs and the traditions of his people. His legendary baptismal refusal cemented his reputation as a king who valued loyalty to his ancestors and heritage over submission to foreign powers.
➡ The Takeaway
Redbad’s story teaches us a few things:
1. Never betray your values, even if it’s the easier path. Redbad chose eternal connection with his ancestors over conforming to a new faith.
2. Question everything, even if it’s unpopular. His baptismal refusal was more than defiance; it was intellectual honesty.
3. Sometimes, chaos is necessary. Whether fighting for his people or refusing to bend the knee, Redbad showed that a little chaos can preserve a lot of freedom.
So, dear listener, the next time life asks you to step into waters that don’t feel right, channel your inner Redbad, turn on your heel, and walk away.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a cauldron bubbling and a spinning wheel to curse. Ta-ta!
