Oh, darling, buckle up because this one’s about to get spicier than a cauldron of witches’ brew on All Hallows’ Eve. Let’s spin some truth about Christopher Columbus, the man hailed as a “discoverer” when really, he stumbled his way through history like a drunken sailor on a ship that wasn’t even his idea. Grab a drink—this tale will leave you thirsty for justice and clarity.
Christopher Columbus: The Man, the Myth, the Navigational Disaster Told by Rumplestiltskin
Let’s start with the basics. In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, but spoiler alert: he wasn’t the first to find America. Nope, not even close. The Americas were already thriving with millions of Indigenous people who had complex societies, languages, and cultures. You know, things that don’t need “discovering.”
Columbus didn’t “find” anything; he got lost. His plan was to reach Asia by sailing west. That’s like aiming for your front door and ending up in your neighbor’s bathtub—then claiming the house as your own.
The Backstory: Why Was Columbus Even Sailing?
Here’s the kicker: Columbus wasn’t even a genius with some groundbreaking idea. He was pitching this “shortcut to Asia” nonsense to every royal court that would listen. Spain finally bit the bait, not because they believed in him, but because they were desperate for a way to outspend Portugal in the spice trade.
So off Columbus went with three ships (the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria) and a whole lot of bad math. Did he know how big the Earth was? Not really. Did he know America existed? Absolutely not. The man thought he’d landed in India, for crying out loud. That’s why we’re stuck calling Indigenous people “Indians” to this day—a mistake so massive it deserves its own reality show.
What Columbus Actually Did
Columbus lands in the Bahamas, meets the Taíno people, and thinks, “Oh, look, free labor!” He immediately starts enslaving them, forcing them to mine for gold that barely existed, and when they didn’t meet his impossible quotas, he mutilated or killed them. Yeah, real hero material right there.
And let’s not gloss over the diseases his crew brought with them, wiping out entire populations. The man’s legacy isn’t “discovery”; it’s exploitation, brutality, and genocide.
Why the Hell Does He Get Credit?
You’re probably wondering, “If Columbus was such a disaster, why is he celebrated?” Great question. Turns out, history gets written by the victors—or, in this case, the colonizers.
Centuries later, people needed a unifying figure to mythologize, and Columbus fit the bill. Italian-Americans especially latched onto him as a symbol of their contributions to U.S. history. Enter Columbus Day, a national holiday that’s about as truthful as a wolf claiming to be a vegetarian.
The Real Discoverers
Let’s not forget: the Indigenous peoples were already here. Their societies were flourishing while Europeans were still figuring out how to bathe regularly. And even if you want to talk about European “discovery,” Leif Erikson and the Norse beat Columbus to the punch by about 500 years.
So why don’t we have a Leif Erikson Day? Oh, wait—we do, but it’s conveniently ignored because it doesn’t fit the narrative of Columbus being some great hero.
The Ugly Truth
Columbus wasn’t a discoverer; he was a colonial opportunist who paved the way for centuries of exploitation and suffering. The idea that he “found” America is as absurd as me claiming I invented gold spinning just because I’m the best at it.
➡ The Takeaway
1. History isn’t always heroic. Don’t believe everything they taught you in school. Sometimes the so-called “heroes” are just villains with better PR.
2. Celebrate the right people. Indigenous Peoples’ Day exists for a reason—to honor the real stewards of this land, not the guy who showed up and wrecked it.
3. Question the narrative. Question Everything! Someone’s getting statues and holidays, dig a little deeper. Odds are, their story isn’t as shiny as it seems.
And there you have it, my dear mortals: the unvarnished truth about Christopher Columbus. The man didn’t discover America; he just crashed the party and broke the furniture. Now, go forth and spin this tale to anyone who needs a history lesson.
